Shit Movies

I don't consider myself a movie buff, but I do like to watch a couple
of movies a week, and am also a Netflix subscriber. Every now and
then, I'll get a movie that's either so good-- or so appallingly bad--
that I feel compelled to get on Netflix and write a short review.
Since I'd been thinking of doing a movie review feature regularly
anyway, I've decided to start with the reviews I've already written.
Some of the movies will be recent, some not. I will use a standard
5-star rating, at least until I come up with something funnier/
wittier/more offensive/stupider/more immature.

So here is the first installment of Shit Movies...


Beerfest (2006)

A "movie" about a bunch of guys who train to win a beer-drinking
contest in Germany. Sounds like it should've been hilarious, but
wasn't. It was way too long. And where are the jokes?!? The whole
movie felt like the cast was just screwing around amusing themselves
and each other. What about the audience, guys? This could've been a
very funny movie, but they dropped the ball...badly.
Rating: *


Epic Movie (2007)

One of the worst movies of the last decade. Joke after joke that fell
flat, all with the subtlety of an airplane crash. And why did the
writers consider characters break-dancing to be funny in and of
itself? Also, if you are trying to be funny by making constant
pop-culture references, make sure you include a JOKE in there
somewhere too. Referencing something by itself is not funny.
It's tragic that I even needed to type that last sentence.
I saw this at the dollar theater, on 50 cent night, and I felt
ripped-off.
Rating: No stars.


Cloverfield (2007)

Disappointing. I didn't even have a problem with the shaky,
handheld- camera-style of filming; if anything, that added a
sense of tension and urgency. My main problem was that there
wasn't enough monster. I assumed this was because the movie
was supposed to focus more on the story of the PEOPLE who
are tyring to survive the attack. Which would've been a great
idea, IF the characters hadn't been a bunch of dumbass,
annoying, yuppie douchebags. I was openly hoping for the
second when they would all die, and when they did, I found
it underwhelming, as it's hard to even be happy about
characters you don't care about getting creamed. This movie
had a ton of potential and some good moments, but overall, it
fell flat on its face.
Rating: **


S.W.A.T. (2003)

Absolute trash. Formulaic, super-predictable plot and cardboard
characters made this a real chore to watch. Which is too bad
because there are some good actors in here. I would just have to
ask them: did you need the money THAT badly?
Rating: *

Worst PC Game Ever

I took this picture at a used bookstore recently. They
obviously also sell video games, and the strategic
placement of the price sticker really caught my attention.

Maybe it's a Holocaust-related game. You never know
what the kids will be into these days.

Goofy Old Comic Book Ads

Charlton Comics was a comic book publisher which was active
from the late 1940s to the early 1980s. They were known for
paying their artists the least of any major comic book
company, and for using the cheapest printing methods possible
(they printed their comics on the same press that was
used to print cereal boxes). Their cheapness and crappiness
extended to their advertisers. Sure, there were always the ads
for iron-on patches, lame toys, novelties, workout manuals,
etc. But Charlton ran a lot of ads that were a little...
different. Here's a couple from an issue of The Charlton
Bullseye (#1, June 1981):













Click images to enlarge


Control others with your mind, in 3 minutes.
Get rid of your "jinxes". You can't make this
shit up.

Worst Craigslist Personals Ever

Oh, Craigslist. What would horny, weird, insane perverts
EVER do without you? I present to you a small sampling
of some of the most ridiculous postings from that waste-
land of the Internet, the Craigslist personals. This comes
courtesy of the lovely and hilarious Morgan of the
Bowl of Popcorn blog. Read 'em and weep.

No really, you'll weep. I did. From laughter. And nausea.

Click here for revulsion.