5 More of the Worst Cities in the United States

A couple of years ago (or whenever; I drink a lot), I
posted an article featuring what I thought to be
six of the worst cities in the United  States. It is still the
most popular post on this blog (by far, unfortunately). I know
this because my dozens of rabid fans have asked...No, wait...
DEMANDED, that I write a sequel. They were even helpful
enough to give me plenty of suggestions as to what cities
should make the list. As with the first list, the criteria for
inclusion is: bad economies, crime, traffic, annoying people,
crappy schools, lack of activities...and the whims of the editor.

First up:


1. Miami, Florida
     Population: 433,136

One of the largest big cities in the United States of
America where no one seems to speak any English (there
are several), Miami is like a cancerous growth on the
tip of Florida (America's Penis). It bears all the
hallmarks of a failed city: terrible schools, high
crime, low wages, social inequality, maddening traffic
and massive, ingrained corruption. Add to that the river
of drugs that flows through Miami, its rude, fractious
population and its location directly in the path of
every other hurricane, and it's hard to understand
why human beings live here...although some argue that
none do. Yeah, South Beach is awesome and the weather's
nice, but it doesn't make up for Miami's consistent
and disturbing third-world vibe. Some will say that
the horrors of this hellhole are offset by its
vibrant culture, and its "diversity". If by "diversity"
you mean "Latino", mainly Cuban. Other than a significant
Haitian/Caribbean minority, you might as well be in
a flashier, gayer and more dangerous version of Havana.
No thanks.


2. New Orleans, Louisiana
    Population: 336,644

Look, we all love Mardi Gras and gumbo and the Saints
and all of that shit. But you're nuts if you think New
Orleans would be a good place to live in. Or a good place
to do anything but throw up on your shoes or flash
your tits to strangers (preferably both). New Orleans
is fetid, humid and smelly. So are its inhabitants, by
and large. The city's third-world-level crime rate has
often put it at the top of "Most Dangerous City" lists,
both before and after the city was levelled by
Hurricane Katrina. Its abysmal schools are a regular
source of shame, and deeply embedded corruption makes
bringing real change to the city a daunting challenge.
But New Orleans' horrible, depressing, intractable
problems can be traced back to the very foundation
of the city. You see, someone thought it'd be a great
idea to build a city below sea level, right by the
banks of the largest river in North America.

Good thinking.



Katrina turned an already bad situation into a nearly
impossible one, as the city lost much of its infrastructure,
housing and population during and after the storm. The
city may never recover, even as its very viability comes
increasingly into question.

Ummmm, but hey..."Who Dat?", am I right?!? Go Saints.


3. Memphis, Tennessee
     Population: 676,640

Start a conversation with people on the Internet over
what the worst cities in America are, and Memphis is
sure to come up. While the city hosts Graceland and
some bars and restaurants on Beale Street and...er,
well, other things, I'm sure...Memphis is better known
for how fucking dangerous it is. Forbes magazine
named it the most dangerous city in the United States
for 2010.  The last few years have seen a steady increase
in gang activity in the city and its metro area. If you
don't get killed by ghetto thugs, you might just get
killed in a traffic accident instead. Memphis saw
15 traffic deaths per 100,000 people in 2008, an
alarmingly high number. It's okay, though. Memphis
makes up for it with its exquisitely bitter racial
tension and lack of anything to do except eat.
And, you know, there's Elvis. Anyway, Andy Kaufman
was right about these people.



4. Cincinnati, Ohio
    Population: 333,336

One of several decaying Rust Belt towns that used to
form the backbone of America's economy (like a million
years ago), Cincinnati is a depressing, dangerous,
joyless place. One of the more noticeable problems
is the horrible, rage-inducing traffic. While some
parts of the city have become increasingly gentrified,
a lot of Cincy is still basically old, shitty neighborhoods
that last saw good days around World War II. Crime
is a serious problem in this craphole, and the city often
makes it into at least the Top 20 in lists of most dangerous
cities. Cleveland would've been an even worse Ohio city
to include in this list, but it already kind of has its own post.
But Cincinnati is no slouch. Trust me, you don't want to live
here. Unless you like racial animosity and the strong possibility
of getting mugged or killed.




















 This is probably not even a "bad" neighborhood.


5. Stockton, California
    Population: 290,409

Dumped right into the boring, shitty middle of the
north Central Valley, Stockton accomplishes what
only Modesto and a few other shitty cities have:
make living in California a nightmare of boredom,
stagnation and crime (normally you get the boredom
OR the crime, not both). Stockton has practically
nothing to offer. The employment picture is bleak,
with an unemployment rate of 17.5% (as of November
2010). The mortgage crisis hit Stockton particularly
hard, with tons of foreclosures and vacant properties.
Of course, crime is a long-running problem, with
the city's metro area being the fifth most dangerous
one in the United States. On most years, the city
ranks among the most violent in both the state and
the nation, thanks in large part to the large volume
of drugs that moves north through the area. And
there's, of course, nothing to do for fun.

But, hey, the rents are cheap. Err, for California.