The Worst of Everything

The 50 Worst Politicians in America

2012-01-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know a list of the worst politicians could theoretically
be as large and pointless as a list of the most alive living
organisms, or the worst tasting kinds of poop. But the folks at
TruTv's website have done a mighty decent job of compiling a
list of some the worst jerkoffs to hold office in the United
States, past and present (but mostly present and recent past).
'Ave a look, guvnor:

http://www.trutv.com/conspiracy/government/worst-politicians/gallery.html?curPhoto=21

Worst Hiatus Ever

2011-07-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

I have reached the point that virtually every personal blog reaches sooner rather than later: Having no more time to update it and/or no desire to do so. I've also got a very busy next few months between trying to change jobs and going back to school, so I'll be going on an indefinite hiatus. Enjoy
the archives. See you when I see you!

Worst Colleges in America

2011-06-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

America has almost as many colleges as it has lawyers and
autistic kids. It's often hard to sort through the extremely numerous
higher education options out there in order to pick the one that will
get you a degree that will actually get you a job (not a good job,
this is 2011...ANY job will do). The excellent Washington
Monthly has done its part to help out the educationally
discriminating by compiling a list of the "50 Worst Colleges in
America". Here's numbers 6 to 10:

6. Baker College of Auburn Hills (MI)
7. University of the District of Columbia
8. East-West University (IL)
9. Haskell Indian Nations University (KS)
10. Crichton College (TN)

More here.

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Navigation note

2011-06-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

I have recently let the domain name "worstofeverything.com" expire,
as it was just not bringing enough traffic in. I get plenty of views,
they just come directly mostly from Google/Bing searches. Please
use worstofeverything.blogspot.com to reach us from here on in.
But I guess if you're reading this, you probably already know that.

Anyway, new posts coming soon or something.

More Movie Reviews

2011-05-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Here's some more movies I've seen recently, either on
DVD or at the theater. Some I liked, some I didn't.
First up...

Blue Valentine (2010)
The Weinstein Company
Starring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling

I'm really not a fan of sad movies (if I want to be sad,
there's always everyday life to provide that), but there
are a few that I really like, and this is one of them. In
this small-budget film, Gosling and Williams (who earned
an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress here)
play a mismatched couple who marry too young, and maybe
without having gotten to know each other well enough.
Blue Valentine alternates between flashbacks of their
fun, quirky courtship and the grim and joyless present,
in which Williams works as a nurse (and is obviously
the main breadwinner) and Gosling paints houses, and
drinks a lot. A fascinating look into the slow collapse
of a marriage, replete with all the regret of looking back
and not being able to turn back the clock. This movie
wasn't perfect, though. It felt like it was missing something
toward the end. I've heard Blue Valentine was pretty
heavily edited before release--most likely due to the
graphic nudity and sex--but it almost feels like that wasn't
all that was cut out. Regardless, excellent performances
make this one of the best dramas of the year.

Rating: * * * * out of 5 stars.

Scott Pilgrim vs The World (2010)
Universal Studios
Starring Michael Cera and Mary Elizabeth
Winstead

It would only be fair to mention that I was only able
to sit through this hot mess of a movie for little
over an hour before I decided to quit while I was
ahead. Scott Pilgrim vs The World is supposedly
based on a comic book series, which I have not
read. The protagonist is Michael Cera, playing the
same goddamn character he always plays: soft-
voiced, timid, feminized wall-flower. Scott Pilgrim
is the unlikely bassist for some some shitty rock
band. He then falls in love with some pink-haired
chick, Ramona Flowers (Winstead) but then has
to tangle with Ramona's "seven evil exes", a collection
of weirdos who appear to have superpowers. So
does Pilgrim, it appears, as his battles against the
exes have him fighting like a video game/comic
book character (with "sound effects" appearing
on the screen as words, video game references and
sound effects galore, fancy aerial moves, etc.).
Whatever alternate reality the characters inhabit
seems incredibly retarded, ugly and awkward.
Maybe it's just because the film is set in Canada.
The characters were all ridiculous and the storytelling
was manic and irritating. I know director Edgar Wright
can do much better (Shaun of The Dead and Hot Fuzz,
for example), but this just failed to hold my interest. I
dunno, maybe I'm too old. This movie was obviously
made with dorky teenagers in mind.
Not surprisingly, it bombed at the box office.

Rating: * out of 5 stars.

More like Scott Pilgrim vs The Audience.

The Limits of Control (2009)
Focus Features
Starring Isaach De Bankolé, Bill Murray

This is a gorgeous-looking film, that often seems to forget
that the audience expects to be told a story. Isaach de
Bankole plays what I presumed to be some kind of hitman,
who spends a lot of time waiting to be handed instructions
on his next job by a series of strange...well, strangers. The
Limits of Control seems to take place almost exclusively
in various parts of Spain. The scenery is incredibly beautiful,
and the cinematography makes it come alive flawlessly.
But the film is ultimately too dull, too drawn out and too
mysterious to really hold an audience's interest. Don't get
too excited about Bill Murray, though. He's only in about
5 minutes near the end. Paz de la Huerta does full-frontal
nudity here (not that that's an infrequent occurence for her),
so it's not a total loss.

There, you don't have to see it now.

Rating: * * out of 5 stars.

Piranha 3-D (2010)
The Weinstein Company
Starring Jerry O'Connell, Elisabeth Shue

This is supposed to be a remake of the original 1978
camp classic, except that there's almost certainly a lot
more graphic gore, tits & ass and shitty jokes in this
updated version. I don't gross out easily, but this movie
was gory as hell, especially in 3D. I found myself not
finding the gore either funny or scary, just disgusting. The
tits were okay...but I think an actual story could've been
told here as well, alongside all of that. Almost all the
characters were bland and basically unlikeable. Richard
Dreyfus makes a completely pointless cameo near the
beginning. However, a later--albeit too brief-- appearance
by the always great Christopher Lloyd almost turned the movie
around for me. The plot? Oh...some guy who makes Girls
Gone Wild-type videos (O'Connell) comes to a beach town to
film, some tennager and his love interest tag along with him, then
piranhas attack. Not much else to it. And tits.

Rating: * out of 5 stars.

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The 12 Worst Sex Tips From Women's Magazines

2011-04-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

It seems like every other women's magazine cover at the
supermarket checkout line advertises articles giving women
tips on how to spice things up in the bedroom (errr, they still
publish those, right? Magazines, I mean). Here's some
of the worst pieces of advice:

1. During orgasm, repeatedly yell "CUBS WIN!"
    at the top of your lungs.

2. Eat a couple of jalapeños before giving oral.

3. Try guessing each other's STDs during foreplay.

4. Tea Party-themed roleplaying.

5. Whisper into his ear about how much you love
    cats.

6. Playing Wesley Willis songs in the background.

7. Use sexy words like "commitment" and "emotions."

8. Forceful karate chops.

9. Pretend you like it when he comes on your hair.

10. Insert penis in vagina. Thrust.

11. Chocolate dipped morning-after pills.

12. Drive your man crazy by serving bacon halfway
      thru sex.

Worst Tattoos Ever

2011-04-12T18:03:00.000-07:00

Everybody and their uncle has goddamn tattoos these days. Myself
included, as I have several. Yes, I can be a band-wagon-jumping
retard too. I'm not made of wood.

Anyway, the excellent Failblog brings us a constantly-updated,
reader-submitted collection of the worst tattoos you're likely to see
(outside of, maybe, the crowd at a Molly Hatchet show).

Here's a few of my recent favorites:

Brutal is right! Someone's been in prison.

So that's where it goes when I pull out! 'Preciate it, ho.

Anyone heard the old Misfits song, "20 Eyes"?
Turns out it's about cats.

Aaaand, the best/worst tattoo ever...

Yes, Marilyn Monroe fucking crucified.

More here: http://ugliesttattoos.failblog.org/

8 Worst Ballpark Promotions

2011-04-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

With the major league baseball season now underway, many
ballparks across this formerly great nation often hold special "theme"
days and events to entice fans into sitting through 3 or so hours
of the most boring sport on Earth. Here's some of the worst ones:

1. "Free Four Loko" Day

2. "The Situation" Sings the National Anthem

3. "Bring a Mental Patient to the Game" Day

4. Pretty much any Mets game

5. "Get Your Picture Taken With Barry Bonds" Day

6. Win a private workout with Jose Canseco

7. Free anabolic steroid clinics

8. RATT concert before the game

Go Rangers

The 9 Worst Cheap American Beers and Malt Liquors [Repost]

2011-02-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

[This was originally posted in July 2009. I thought it
was funny and decided to give it a bump, for those
who missed it the first time. -BB]

As a dedicated middle class drunk, I have had ample
opportunity to become aqcuainted with many less-
than-expensive malted alcoholic beverages. In other
words, I've gotten fucked up on a lot of cheap beer
and malt liquor. Sometimes I still do from time to
time, although these days I can afford decent booze
and don't need to slum too much. I still know what
I know, though, so I thought I'd share my opinion
on 9 nauseating beverages which you may or may not
be familiar with.

1. Natural Light

It wouldn't make any sense to start this list with
anything BUT Natural Light, the most high-profile
and most widely available of the cheap-ass beers
in the U.S. "Natty Light" is made by mega-corporation
Anheuser-Busch, providing us with yet another
example of the evils of corporate capitalism. Natty
Light's alcohol level is actually a bit below
the average of most mass-market pale lager beers
(the average is 5%; Natural Light is 4.4%). And yet,
this swill can pack a punch, especially if you haven't
developed a taste (or tolerance) for it. It can be
surprisingly smooth and it has only 95 calories per
serving, which is pretty decent. But it's still cheaply
brewed crap, so if you have more than 3 or 4 of these,
prepare for nasty headaches the next day. I used to
drink this fairly regularly in my poorer days, then
stopped for a while. The other day I bought a 12-pack
for old time's sake. After 2 cans, I felt like taking a
4-hour nap. At 32, I'm already too old to drink this
shit. If you're college-age, though, you probably
live on this garbage. Okay, if you're college age and
so poor you eat out of dumpsters. Visit them at
http://www.naturallight.com.

2. Red Dog

Ugh. Jesus.

Red Dog is made by Plank Road Brewery (which is really
Miller, but they would rather not associate their main
brand with this liquid feces). It is around 5% alcohol,
and it is bitter and somewhat harsh. In my experience, the
hangovers from it are actually not all that bad. That's
probably because I never managed to drink more than one
or two. I'm not entirely sure that's it NOT made from
dog piss. No, that would be an improvement. If you have
to drink this, make sure it's very cold.

3. St. Ides

This is the first malt liquor on our list. And with good
reason, as it boasts 8% alcohol. I first became acquainted
with St. Ides about 10 years ago when I was living in New
York City. I was passing a convenience store on my way
home from work late one night and saw a poster advertising
a 40oz bottle of this shit for 99 cents. So I figured,
why not? Why not indeed. It tasted like someone dropped
a shot glass of beer into a bucket filled with kerosene.
I was so fucked up when I was done I passed out. The next
day, I woke up thinking that maybe I had leukemia or Lou
Gherig's Disease or something. I was achy, irritable
and dehydrated. That's all you need to know about St.
Ides. Also, Ice Cube used to endorse it.

4. Pearl Light

Pearl Light is unique among the beers on this list in
that I could not get drunk on it. I bought a 12-pack
of this stuff years ago and halfway through drinking
it, I realized, much to my horror, that I didn't even
have a buzz. Pearl Light used to be brewed by Pabst,
but is now contracted out to Miller. Not much else
I can say about this "beer". Apparently, it has a long
history here in Texas. Visit them at
http://www.pearlbeer.com.

5. Steel Reserve High Gravity

I drank Steel Reserve only once, I believe. A lot of
people drank it once. I remember drinking a couple
of 16 ounce cans of this stuff a while back, and
felt dizzy and weird almost immediately. Usually
a beer buzz is pleasurable, but sometimes it's
uncomfortable and strange. And it's not just me.
A former co-worker, who is about 6 feet tall and
weighed close to 300 lbs, told me he once downed
a can of Steel Reserve while sitting, then stood
up and the room started spinning around. And he was
the kind of guy who had a good tolerance for
alcohol, too. It still ambushed him and kicked
his goddamn ass. Steel Reserve is labeled as 8%
alcohol (in most states) and is made by...wait for it!
...Miller. This is their third entry on this list.
Sadly, it won't be their last.

6. Milwaukee's Best Light

Milwaukee's...Best?? BEST?!? I would really hate to
have to sample Milwaukee's worst. I would get a couple
of 32oz cans at the store for a dollar each a few
years ago. I was obviously going through hard times
if I was drinking this sewage. It is thin, watery
and very carbonated. If you're a high schooler or
broke-ass college student, this beer probably seems
like a pretty good deal. And I suppose it is a good
deal for what it is. Which is trash. To its credit,
after downing 64 ounces of this at a time, I didn't
feel like I was going to die. I just felt like I'd
wasted my time. Oh, and by the way, know who makes
this? FUCKING MILLER.

7. Bud Ice

Made by Anheuser-Busch. 5.5% alcohol. Comes in a
40oz bottle. Tastes like anti-freeze. Bad hangovers.
Avoid.

8. Olde English

Ahh, Olde English. Just about everyone I know seems
to have a story about Olde English, usually
involving vandalism, fistfights, the police, sexual
assault and/or vomiting. I haven't had this swill
in years, and God willing, I will never again drink
it. "Regular" Olde English is about 6% alcohol,
although other varieties of it go as high as 8%. Out
of all the malt liquors out there, this one seems
to be the one that most white people will drink, if
they drink any malt liquor at all. I'm not sure why
that is. My memory of drinking it is that it started
out smooth, then tasted a bit harsher and then...
well, I can't remember. Oh, and guess who makes it?
It starts with an M and ends in an R, and rhymes
with "killer".

9. Busch

As the name suggests, this is brewed by the mother
fuckers at Anheuser-Busch. Think Budweiser is boring
and tasteless? Try this shit. It'll make drinking Bud
Light feel like an orgy of flavor is going on in your
mouth. While it's certainly cheap, it's not the kind of
beer that will give you a decent buzz, even after 3
or 4 of them. The taste is not any worse than say,
Natural Light, but if you're going to be cheap anyway,
just buy fucking Natural Light. Actually, if Natty
Light is a 19-year old frat boy, Busch could very
well be its balding, beer-bellied 47-year old dad.
Same genetics, just slower and lamer.

The 20 Worst Criminals in NFL History

2011-02-02T17:53:00.000-08:00

Here's a little something to put you in the mood for the Super Bowl,
courtesy of Bleacher Report.

This is number 17 on the list:

Cecil Collins is currently serving a 15-year burglary sentence. He
broke into the home of a married woman he knew from the gym.
Collins admitted that he broke in to watch the woman sleep.

More at the link below:

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/585002-the-20-worst-criminals-in-nfl-history

5 More of the Worst Cities in the United States

2011-01-20T15:32:00.000-08:00

A couple of years ago (or whenever; I drink a lot), I
posted an article featuring what I thought to be
six of the worst cities in the United States. It is still the
most popular post on this blog (by far, unfortunately). I know
this because my dozens of rabid fans have asked...No, wait...
DEMANDED, that I write a sequel. They were even helpful
enough to give me plenty of suggestions as to what cities
should make the list. As with the first list, the criteria for
inclusion is: bad economies, crime, traffic, annoying people,
crappy schools, lack of activities...and the whims of the editor.

First up:

1. Miami, Florida
Population: 433,136

One of the largest big cities in the United States of
America where no one seems to speak any English (there
are several), Miami is like a cancerous growth on the
tip of Florida (America's Penis). It bears all the
hallmarks of a failed city: terrible schools, high
crime, low wages, social inequality, maddening traffic
and massive, ingrained corruption. Add to that the river
of drugs that flows through Miami, its rude, fractious
population and its location directly in the path of
every other hurricane, and it's hard to understand
why human beings live here...although some argue that
none do. Yeah, South Beach is awesome and the weather's
nice, but it doesn't make up for Miami's consistent
and disturbing third-world vibe. Some will say that
the horrors of this hellhole are offset by its
vibrant culture, and its "diversity". If by "diversity"
you mean "Latino", mainly Cuban. Other than a significant
Haitian/Caribbean minority, you might as well be in
a flashier, gayer and more dangerous version of Havana.
No thanks.

2. New Orleans, Louisiana
Population: 336,644

Look, we all love Mardi Gras and gumbo and the Saints
and all of that shit. But you're nuts if you think New
Orleans would be a good place to live in. Or a good place
to do anything but throw up on your shoes or flash
your tits to strangers (preferably both). New Orleans
is fetid, humid and smelly. So are its inhabitants, by
and large. The city's third-world-level crime rate has
often put it at the top of "Most Dangerous City" lists,
both before and after the city was levelled by
Hurricane Katrina. Its abysmal schools are a regular
source of shame, and deeply embedded corruption makes
bringing real change to the city a daunting challenge.
But New Orleans' horrible, depressing, intractable
problems can be traced back to the very foundation
of the city. You see, someone thought it'd be a great
idea to build a city below sea level, right by the
banks of the largest river in North America.

Good thinking.

Katrina turned an already bad situation into a nearly
impossible one, as the city lost much of its infrastructure,
housing and population during and after the storm. The
city may never recover, even as its very viability comes
increasingly into question.

Ummmm, but hey..."Who Dat?", am I right?!? Go Saints.

3. Memphis, Tennessee
     Population: 676,640

Start a conversation with people on the Internet over
what the worst cities in America are, and Memphis is
sure to come up. While the city hosts Graceland and
some bars and restaurants on Beale Street and...er,
well, other things, I'm sure...Memphis is better known
for how fucking dangerous it is. Forbes magazine
named it the most dangerous city in the United States
for 2010. The last few years have seen a steady increase
in gang activity in the city and its metro area. If you
don't get killed by ghetto thugs, you might just get
killed in a traffic accident instead. Memphis saw
15 traffic deaths per 100,000 people in 2008, an
alarmingly high number. It's okay, though. Memphis
makes up for it with its exquisitely bitter racial
tension and lack of anything to do except eat.
And, you know, there's Elvis. Anyway, Andy Kaufman
was right about these people.

4. Cincinnati, Ohio
    Population: 333,336

One of several decaying Rust Belt towns that used to
form the backbone of America's economy (like a million
years ago), Cincinnati is a depressing, dangerous,
joyless place. One of the more noticeable problems
is the horrible, rage-inducing traffic. While some
parts of the city have become increasingly gentrified,
a lot of Cincy is still basically old, shitty neighborhoods
that last saw good days around World War II. Crime
is a serious problem in this craphole, and the city often
makes it into at least the Top 20 in lists of most dangerous
cities. Cleveland would've been an even worse Ohio city
to include in this list, but it already kind of has its own post.
But Cincinnati is no slouch. Trust me, you don't want to live
here. Unless you like racial animosity and the strong possibility
of getting mugged or killed.

This is probably not even a "bad" neighborhood.

5. Stockton, California
    Population: 290,409

Dumped right into the boring, shitty middle of the
north Central Valley, Stockton accomplishes what
only Modesto and a few other shitty cities have:
make living in California a nightmare of boredom,
stagnation and crime (normally you get the boredom
OR the crime, not both). Stockton has practically
nothing to offer. The employment picture is bleak,
with an unemployment rate of 17.5% (as of November
2010). The mortgage crisis hit Stockton particularly
hard, with tons of foreclosures and vacant properties.
Of course, crime is a long-running problem, with
the city's metro area being the fifth most dangerous
one in the United States. On most years, the city
ranks among the most violent in both the state and
the nation, thanks in large part to the large volume
of drugs that moves north through the area. And
there's, of course, nothing to do for fun.

But, hey, the rents are cheap. Err, for California.

The 11 Worst New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-07T06:09:00.000-08:00

1. Quit drinking water.

2. Be more proactive in my stalking.

3. Get the UN to do something about Gene Simmons.

4. Finally start that dream career in the slaughterhouse
industry.

5. No more crying after sex.

6. Marry the dog and cat to each other.

7. Get better quality meth.

8. Re-watch every episode of Ace of
Cakes.

9. Moving to New Jersey.

10. No smoking between 2:00 and 2:15 PM every day.

11. No more showering until I get out of prison.

Worst Business Decisions of 2010

2010-12-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

When you have an organization whose sole mission is to make a
profit, stupid and counterproductive decisions are bound to be
made. And 2010 was filled with them: crappy products, insane
ideas, insensitive public statements, lame marketing campaigns...
the usual horseshit that's produced by our consumption-obsessed
society, year after year. Take a look at some of the dumbest business
decisions of the past year, courtesy of CNN:

http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2010/news/companies/1012/gallery.business_dumbest_moments_2010.fortune/index.html

The Worst Movies of 2010

2010-12-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

I actually didn't see a lot of bad movies in 2010--but that's mainly
because I've become more discerning over what movies to see and
which ones to miss. So I normally avoid the flicks that look like they're
going to be awful. But that doesn't mean there weren't plenty of
horrible movies stinking up theaters this year. Here's the worst
15 of the year, courtesy of The Onion's AV Club:

http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-15-worst-films-of-2010,49052/

Grown Ups: You should've known it was going to suck.

Worst Adult Education Classes

2010-10-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

1. Introduction to Stalking

2. Crystal Meth Manufacturing I

3. How to Sell Amway and Have All Your
Friends Hate You

4. Teabagging for Beginners

5. Racism for Non-Whites

6. Advanced Flower-Picking

7. Intermediate Cooking for the Blind II

8. Ass Piercing For Fun and Profit

9. How to Destroy Evidence

10. Ballroom Dancing (with badgers)

11. Meditation For Schizophrenics

Worst New Reality Shows

2010-09-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

The new fall TV season has started. Here's some of
the great new reality shows debuting now:

1. Sister Wife Daughter Cousins

2. Septic Tankers

3. Delaware Shore

4. Kate Plus 8 Black Guys

5. Survivor: Monaco

6. So You Think You Can Rape

7. America's Got A Staph Infection

8. Scream-A-Lympics

9. 28 & Pregnant

10. Meet America's Fat Idiots
(10 episodes per day, every
day; 20 seasons planned)

11. The Real World: Baghdad

12. Big Grandpa

13. A Homeless Guy, a Rabid Ferret
and a Video Camera, Locked In a
Burger King Restroom

14. Man vs Directions To The Airport

15. Anthony Bourdain Eats Weird Shit

16. Pawning Vital Organs

Worst Album Covers Ever

2010-09-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember music albums? Or CD's, for that matter? Rate
yourmusic.com brings you the worst (or best, depending on
how you look at it) album covers ever:

http://rateyourmusic.com/list/djlanda/the_100_worst_album_covers_ever

Worst Hotel Reviews

2010-09-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

Here's a brief compilation of some of the worst reviewed hotels
on the web, courtesy of hotelscheap.org.

A few highlights:

“The first room I stayed (for 30 minutes) had such a terrible
plumbing problem that the roof was falling in pieces all over
the bed...”

“To call this a ‘fleabag’ hotel would be an unconscionable
insult to both fleas and bags everywhere...”

“The bathroom light was filled with water and the light was
blinking. It felt so dangerous with the water and electricity.
I didn’t DARE try to turn the light off..."

More below:

http://www.hotelscheap.org/discount-travel-blog/misc/the-10-worst-hotel-reviews-of-all-time/

The 12 Worst Baby Names

2010-09-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

1. Fido
2. Saddam
3. Menudo
4. $%@#
5. Whoreson
6. Agustin De La Torre Gonzalez, Esq. III
7. Kaitlin
8. Fuckface
9. Snooki
10. Hambone
11. Rufus
12. D'aunnayz (pronounced "Donny")

The Worst Shots Ever

2010-07-07T07:31:00.001-07:00

You like drinking? Not after you try some of these abominations.

Here's number 14:

Gorilla’s Puke

If the name doesn't give it away, I don't know what will. Also
known as 152, this drink will surely have you puking at the
end of the night...

http://www.campussqueeze.com/post/The-Worst-Shots-Ever-Created.asp

Worst TV Shows of the Last Decade (2000-2010)

2010-06-04T10:34:00.000-07:00

I don't watch a whole hell of a lot of TV. Other than
Family Guy, the occassional episode of The Simpsons,
the news and a few other odds and ends, I watch almost
no TV anymore. And after you see the shows on this list,
you will better understand why I fell out of love with
television...a looooong time ago. Here are some of the
worst crimes against the human mind (and eyes)in recent
memory. Most, but not all of these shows, started in
the 2000s. But they have all aired at some point
during the last 10 years. I'm sure I've missed dozens,
if not hundreds, of bad shows, but I need to limit my
list to what I've actually had the misfortune to watch.
And whatever my traumatized memory hasn't blocked out:

1. American Idol

I'm aware this is an extremely popular show, which only further
proves my belief that a majority of people are a couple of brain
cells away from not drooling on themselves. This is essentially a
glorified high-school talent show where some of the most
delusional, sad and useless people in America try to become
singing stars by getting judged by a panel of people whose opinion
should matter about as much as a pile of dog shit. American
Idol has accomplished the impressive feat of making the
corporate music industry an even worse and more culturally
offensive black hole than it already was before. I'm impressed.

Also, if the contestants sang more stuff that wasn't R&B or
showtunes, maybe I'd watch. Ha ha, just kidding, I'll never
watch this show again. Unless it's part of some sort of drinking
game or something.

Why can't we steal GOOD ideas from the British?

2. Brothers

Some former NFL player who can't act for shit and couldn't
make me laugh with a tank of nitrous oxide gets his own sitcom,
where he owns or works at some restaurant or bar or some shit.
There's some black guy in a wheelchair. That's all I remember.
Oh, that and not laughing once.

3. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Apparently a cross between 30 Rock and The West Wing. So
basically a serious show about the making a of a comedy show.
Do I have that right? I fell asleep after 5 minutes. This lasted
one season. It should've lasted one minute. Or not at all.

4. I Love New York

This...thing...was a spin-off from the appalling "Flavor of Love",
in which several women compete for the affections of looks-
challenged rapper Flavor Flav. I was going to include that show
on this list too, but I didn't think it fair to include both, and I hated
this one much more. This woman who calls herself "New York"
was a contestant on Flavor of Love, and apparently was considered
enough of a train wreck on her own that she was given her own show.
Makes sense. In this one, a bunch of clueless douchebags try to
"win" New York's affections. Kind of like wanting to win a savage
beating, or a vacation to Somalia. The behavior or both "New York"
and the "contestants" is so retarded, shallow and over-the-top that
I had to watch a couple of episodes just to make sure that this was
all really happening. Unfortunately, it was.

5. The Osbournes

I used to love Ozzy Osbourne. Still do, actually. But my opinion
of The Prince of Darkness decreased pretty dramatically
once I saw a few episodes of this baffling "reality" show. Some
things about this family I already knew: Ozzy is a drug-addled
mess who can barely take care of himself (if at all), Sharon runs
everything and his kids are douchebags. Got it. Once I got all
that out of the way, well...it was just depressing. Did Ozzy
really need the money that bad? Was he starving?? I'm thinking
his wife put him up to this.

6. America's Got Talent

It seems that America doesn't have that much talent after all. This
is yet another talent-show-type abomination, except in this one,
people perform things like dancing, magic tricks, impersonations...
basically whatever random shit. Most of the folks who came on this
show have some weird talent that caused someone, at some point,
to tell them: "Hey, it's really cool how you can juggle four flaming
footballs while wearing condoms on your fingers! You should be on
TV!". And finally, there was a show they could go on and show the
world their "talents". A horrible, horrible show.

7. Stacked

Pamela Anderson is a directionless woman with giant tits
who takes a job at a bookstore. Hilarity ensued. Or it was
supposed to. I guess. The show only lasted one season,
proving that guys won't watch a sitcom just because Pam
and her balloon-sized gazongas are on it. There's porno
for that stuff.

8. Are You Hot?

Imbeciles paraded in front of a panel of other imbeciles,
so that they could be judged solely on their looks and
told whether they are 'Hot' or 'Not'. I'm pretty
sure you'll understand why I find this idea repulsive. The
most clueless and empty-headed people on Earth parade
themselves, like cattle (in swimsuits), in front of smarmy,
sarcastic retards and an equally idiotic audience. This
idea actually started as a website (which the TV people may
or may not have used with permission). Thanks a lot,
Internet. I still love you, though. You're not television,
at least.

I will always love you.

Shit Movies #2

2010-03-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

Time for some more reviews of movies I've watched, courtesy of
the ten bucks a month I spend on Netflix:

Pink Flamingos (1972)

The movie that put director John Waters on the map--well,
some sort of map (registered sex offenders map?). This
extremely raw and purposely disgusting movie follows the
exploits of Babs Johnson, played by morbidly obese trans-
vestite Divine, as she seeks to regain the title of "Filthiest
Person Alive" from a couple of local perverts. Let's just say
that the competition gets pretty fierce, and it makes for
some pretty disgusting cinema. Bizarre situations and
characters abound, including an infamous scene in which
Divine eats dog shit straight out of a dog's ass. WHY DID
THIS MOVIE NOT WIN AN OSCAR?

Anyway, I'd say I'm VERY hard to offend, especially by a
movie. But I had to turn this movie off on two separate
occasions during my viewing, because I couldn't stand to
look at what was on the screen.

FUN FACT: I had my girlfriend at the time over for
dinner one night, and since I'd gotten this movie in the
mail that afternoon, I decided to play it after dinner.
HOLY SHIT. Neither one of us had seen it before. To
her credit, she didn't run away screaming, right there
and then.

This movie is not just disturbing, but also hilarious and
worth watching as--if nothing else--a fascinating cultural
artifact.

Rating: *** 1/2

Sure. Go ahead. Go ahead and watch it!
But I warned you! You remember that.

Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

This is one movie which had a lot of potential and plenty of
sources for potential jokes, but it ended up a dull, pointless
snoozefest. There wasn't a single laugh-out-loud moment in
the film for me. I'm pissed off I wasted a slot on my queue
on this. I thought that with Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen,
this movie would HAVE to be funny. I was wrong. What
the fuck?? I mean, nothing worked here. Many of the jokes
were too drawn out, delivered wrong or just plain corny.
There was a lot of talent involved in this movie, and it
all somehow ended up not making a difference. Corpses
could've made me laugh more. Actual corpses.

Rating: Zero stars.

300 (2007)

Great visuals and cool battle scenes...BUT, this movie's baffling
refusal to adhere to even a minimum of historical accuracy is
troubling. If you want to make a pure gore-fest, then just
make an action movie that doesn't pretend to be based on
history. And why are the Persians BLACK??!? Do the film-
makers meven know what a real Persian was/is supposed to
look like? Sadly, I suspect they do, but they went with cheap
racism here (Black = Bad). The ones that weren't black
looked like characters from the Star Wars cantina scene.
Visuals aside, this was little more than a glorification of
fascism. The main messages: Individuals are worthless,
only the collective (Sparta) matters. Those who are not like
us are weak and deserve to die. War is glorious. Black people
are bad. Dying for a king is equal to dying for "freedom". I
hope Frank Miller is proud.

The movie looked great, though, and the battle scenes were
cool. So I'll give it two stars for that.

Rating: **

Hart's War (2002)

An appalling snoozefest featuring a charisma-free Bruce
Willis. So boring I don't even remember the plot. I could've
better used my time by staring at a blank screen for 2 hours.

Rating: 1/2 *

Shit Movies

2010-02-16T09:27:00.000-08:00

I don't consider myself a movie buff, but I do like to watch a couple
of movies a week, and am also a Netflix subscriber. Every now and
then, I'll get a movie that's either so good-- or so appallingly bad--
that I feel compelled to get on Netflix and write a short review.
Since I'd been thinking of doing a movie review feature regularly
anyway, I've decided to start with the reviews I've already written.
Some of the movies will be recent, some not. I will use a standard
5-star rating, at least until I come up with something funnier/
wittier/more offensive/stupider/more immature.

So here is the first installment of Shit Movies...

Beerfest (2006)

A "movie" about a bunch of guys who train to win a beer-drinking
contest in Germany. Sounds like it should've been hilarious, but
wasn't. It was way too long. And where are the jokes?!? The whole
movie felt like the cast was just screwing around amusing themselves
and each other. What about the audience, guys? This could've been a
very funny movie, but they dropped the ball...badly.
Rating: *

Epic Movie (2007)

One of the worst movies of the last decade. Joke after joke that fell
flat, all with the subtlety of an airplane crash. And why did the
writers consider characters break-dancing to be funny in and of
itself? Also, if you are trying to be funny by making constant
pop-culture references, make sure you include a JOKE in there
somewhere too. Referencing something by itself is not funny.
It's tragic that I even needed to type that last sentence.
I saw this at the dollar theater, on 50 cent night, and I felt
ripped-off.
Rating: No stars.

Cloverfield (2007)

Disappointing. I didn't even have a problem with the shaky,
handheld- camera-style of filming; if anything, that added a
sense of tension and urgency. My main problem was that there
wasn't enough monster. I assumed this was because the movie
was supposed to focus more on the story of the PEOPLE who
are tyring to survive the attack. Which would've been a great
idea, IF the characters hadn't been a bunch of dumbass,
annoying, yuppie douchebags. I was openly hoping for the
second when they would all die, and when they did, I found
it underwhelming, as it's hard to even be happy about
characters you don't care about getting creamed. This movie
had a ton of potential and some good moments, but overall, it
fell flat on its face.
Rating: **

S.W.A.T. (2003)

Absolute trash. Formulaic, super-predictable plot and cardboard
characters made this a real chore to watch. Which is too bad
because there are some good actors in here. I would just have to
ask them: did you need the money THAT badly?
Rating: *

Worst PC Game Ever

2010-02-12T07:57:00.000-08:00

I took this picture at a used bookstore recently. They
obviously also sell video games, and the strategic
placement of the price sticker really caught my attention.

Maybe it's a Holocaust-related game. You never know
what the kids will be into these days.

Goofy Old Comic Book Ads

2010-02-07T12:42:00.000-08:00

Charlton Comics was a comic book publisher which was active
from the late 1940s to the early 1980s. They were known for
paying their artists the least of any major comic book
company, and for using the cheapest printing methods possible
(they printed their comics on the same press that was
used to print cereal boxes). Their cheapness and crappiness
extended to their advertisers. Sure, there were always the ads
for iron-on patches, lame toys, novelties, workout manuals,
etc. But Charlton ran a lot of ads that were a little...
different. Here's a couple from an issue of The Charlton
Bullseye (#1, June 1981):

Click images to enlarge

Control others with your mind, in 3 minutes.
Get rid of your "jinxes". You can't make this
shit up.

Worst Craigslist Personals Ever

2010-02-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

Oh, Craigslist. What would horny, weird, insane perverts
EVER do without you? I present to you a small sampling
of some of the most ridiculous postings from that waste-
land of the Internet, the Craigslist personals. This comes
courtesy of the lovely and hilarious Morgan of the
Bowl of Popcorn blog. Read 'em and weep.

No really, you'll weep. I did. From laughter. And nausea.

Click here for revulsion.

The 5 Worst Assholes In Rock Music

2010-01-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

Rock music--as awesome as it is-- has never distinguished
itself for the intelligence, sensitivity or life skills of the people
involved in its creation. Fair enough; that can be part of the
appeal, I suppose. But some people in the world of rock have
gone above and beyond in quite simply being fucking assholes.
Here's five of the biggest ones:

1. Axl Rose (Guns n' Roses)

Oh, Axl. So much talent, a great voice, good songwriting skills
and a compelling personality. Although that personality seems
to often be things other than just compelling. Rose is famous
for being hard to work with, storming off the stage in the
middle of a set for the smallest reasons and just basically being
completely unstable and an all-around pain in the ass. And let's
not forget the whole "Chinese Democracy" debacle. After
Guns n' Roses broke up in the mid 1990's, Axl kept promising
to put out a GnR album with the aforementioned title. It
finally came out in 2008, to underwhelming sales. GnR
guitarist Slash has described working in the band under Axl
as "a dictatorship". It's hard to tell who hates him more at
this point: his former bandmates...or Guns n' Roses fans.

I want to like the guy. But...cornrows?!? C'mon.

2. Gene Simmons (Kiss)

Holy hell, do I hate this guy. Gene (real name Chaim Witz;
Jewish enough for ya?!), is the bassist/singer for legendary...
ugh..."band" Kiss. Even setting aside the fact that Kiss has
always been hugely overrated and not very innovative (other
than wearing clown make-up on stage), Gene takes the asshole
cake. He's not number 1 on this list because I don't order these
things. But believe me, he is quite likely the greediest, most
money-grubbing so-called performer in rock history. On top
of being arrogant and unlikeable, this guy will do anything for a
buck. Kiss comic books, shirts, toys, lunchboxes...even a fucking
coffin. If you get buried in a fucking Kiss coffin, you definitely
deserved to die a horrible death. To add insult to injury, this
piece of human garbage had (has? I don't watch TV) his own
reality show. Why? For God's sake, who asked for this?? Also,
a sex tape of him and some tasteless whore came out a few
years ago, proving that besides not being able to make
good music, Chaim can't fuck either.

3. Phil Spector

Undoubtedly a very talented producer, Spector is well known
for his 'Wall of Sound' production technique and has worked
with artists such as The Ronettes, The Beatles and The
Ramones. Unfortuntately, he is also: 1. Batshit insane; 2. An
asshole; 3. A convicted murderer. Spector allegedly once held
Dee Dee Ramone at gunpoint and forced him to play a bass line
again and again until he "got it right". He was also fond of
waving guns around his girlfriends, until he finally killed one
of them, Lana Clarkson, in 2003. And now he's in prison.
During his 1989 Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame induction speech,
a drunken Spector had to be literally carried off the stage
by his bodyguards in the middle of a rant. So in all fairness,
at least Gene Simmons hasn't killed anyone. Yet.

Phil Spector. Looks pretty normal to me!

4. Lars Ulrich

Lars' biggest claim to rock-star-asshole fame is his well-
publicized battle against the file-sharing service Napster
in 2000. But, really, that's not even the main reason he's
a dick. By many, many accounts, he is arrogant, insensitive,
petty and basically looks and acts like a little bitch. It seems
to be very difficult to find ANYONE who likes him, regardless
of what they think of his musical talent. Although, he might
be easier to like if Metallica hadn't turned into a complete
and utter joke in the mid-90s. Actually, I should've
included ALL of Metallica in this entry. Have you seen
the documentary Some Kind of Monster? Fame has
turned all of these guys into major douchebags. I mean,
they hired a life coach. What the hell? Fuck Metallica.

5. Ted Nugent

Yes, Ted is a great guitarist. He likes to hunt. That's okay
with me. He's a fanatical right-winger. Hey, this is America,
people can believe what they want. But he just seems to
go out of his way to rub his assholiness all over your face,
whenever possible. The list is long: worshipping guns, fucking
underage girls (his first wife, for example), wishing we had
"Nagasakied" Iraq, threatening Obama and Hillary Clinton
with bodily harm during a concert, verbally abusing anyone
who disagrees with him, badmouthing Ozzy Osbourne, killing
animals for no useful purpose, using racial slurs against
blacks and Asians...well, I could go on and on. Ted says he
never ever used drugs. I don't believe him.

Even if all this wasn't enough to make you hate him, get this:
He's co-hosted a TV show with Glenn Beck. 'Nuff said.

Worst Pick-Up Lines

2010-01-14T16:23:00.000-08:00

The other day I was on Twitter, and one of the trending topics
was something along the lines of "failed pick-up lines". There
were a few memorable ones that I decided to collect and critique.
Not that I'm a pick-up artist or anything (far from it, believe me),
but I think I can recognize a pick-up line that will NOT get you
laid pretty easily. Let's get started (poster's Tweeter name
in bold):

@christopher832: i lost my number can i have yours?

LAME! How's a girl supposed to respond to this. It's
essentially a yes or no question. Fifty-fifty. And you're
going to need better odds than that.

@_chinatown: "I want you to be my 4th babymama..."

Ha! This one would probably work just fine in the 'hood. LOL

ninaszdaish: all those curves and me with no brakes

Hmmm. Not cringe-inducing, but not good. And what if she's
not curvy? She's just going to think you're full of shit.

Teamshanedawson: Did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

Yeah, nothing attracts the ladies/guys like fart jokes. From strangers.

thiick: "do i know you from somewhere?"

One of the oldest pick-up lines and one of the least exciting.
If you're gonna use this, you might as well walk up to the person
and say "Hi, I want to talk to you".

JineshNP: Do you work out? Sex is best way to burn calories.

Ahaha! Whoa, why not just walk up to her and say "Hey, wanna
fuck?" Sure, that may work for a few people in some rare instances
(intoxication of some sort is usually involved). But it just reeks of
douchebaggery.

@jaipal93: Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can
make your Bedrock..LOL

LMAO! This one is so crazy, it just might work.

Krazy88er: does this towel smell like chloroform to you?

Well, shit! Someone stole my pick-up line.

There you have it folks. If anyone out there gets laid using
ANY of these, please let me know (editor@worstofeverything.com).
And no, using one of these lines and then pouring date rape
drugs into someone's drink does not count.

You can follow Bill on Twitter here: http://twitter.com/thequestion77

Worst Comic Strip Ever, Part 1

2010-01-06T19:06:00.001-08:00

That Damn Dog (featuring Bill & Tippy)

Click to enlarge.

The 16 Worst Christmas Specials

2009-12-23T05:58:00.000-08:00

Now that the worst holiday of all, Christmas, is almost here, I
thought I'd share this list with you. It is from the excellent,
nerderiffic website Topless Robot. Enjoy, and Merry Fucking
Christmas.

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/12/the_16_worst_christmas_specials_of_all_time.php?page=2

Worst Rap Battle Ever

2009-12-17T16:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, I realize there's a good chance you've already seen
this video elsewhere. But I really didn't want to risk ANYONE
not seeing this hilarious abomination at least once. The "rapper"
in question is almost certainly mentally challenged, which only
adds to the hilariousness of lyrics like "it's like Rosie O'Donnell
at a bisexual bridal shower"and "uh, huh...yeah...yeah". This
is painful to watch, yet also hysterically funny at the same time.

The 7 Worst Fast Food Places

2009-11-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

As a single man in my early 30s, fast food is, unfortunately, an
important part of my diet, although that's something I'm working
on changing. Due to this, I have over the years become tragically
familiar with a wide variety of outlets serving quick, greasy,
potentially lethal stomach-trash. Here's my least favorite ones,
in no particular order.

1. Long John Silver's

For some reason, I've always had a hard time visualizing fish as
fast food. Not that these guys serve anything resembling actual
fish. It just never sounds good. I almost feel bad about including
them on the list, since I've never actually eaten there. Probably
never will. The very sight of their food grosses me out.

2. McDonald's

What pisses me off the most about McDonald's is that whenever
I'm in a part of town where there's NOWHERE else to eat, there
is always a fucking McBastard's (or a Jack In the Box, if you live
in North Texas). So when I eat there, it's always out of sheer
necessity. Their food is incredibly bland, even for fast food. I
admit the fries are great, but virtually everything else looks
and tastes like cardboard, or like those plastic toy foodstuffs
you used to play with as a kid. Their menu also has an alarming
lack of bacon. Maybe they need to spend more time improving
their menu and less time trying to be the official restaurant
of 'da hood'.

Um, no. Not at all, actually.

3. Taco Bell

"Nacho cheese" so bright and unnatural-looking that it could've
come out of a nuclear reactor core. So-called beef that has the
consistency of Alpo. Refried beans that look like something that
came out of a cholera patient's ass. That, friends, is a brief yet
chillingly accurate description of some of Taco Bell's ingredients.
Do I even need to go into the feces festival that you'll suddenly
experience at 3 AM after dinner at The Bell?

4. White Castle

Before I get lynched by a mob of enraged stoners (I know, tough
to imagine), let me say White Castle is absurdly overrated for what
it is. Okay, they make little square, soggy burgers full of disgusting
onions. THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT GOOD. I'm actually not sure if
they even make anything else. Not that it matters,as a White Castle
restaurants are few and far between, which is probably a good
thing. Unless you just did like 15 bong hits and just don't feel
like going to Jack In The Box. (Thanks to Nicole for the idea.)

Movie does not equal good.

5. Popeye's

I'll admit, I LOVE Popeye's fried chicken. Yes, it is dangerously
greasy, and really the kind of thing I only have 2 or 3 times a
year. Which is a good thing (mostly for my heart) because
Popeye's hires some of the stupidest people on Earth, EVEN
BY FAST FOOD INDUSTRY STANDARDS. Seriously...I've
eaten at Popeye's in a few different cities and states, and the
common thread that runs through all of them is the appalling
slowness and imbecility of the employees. It is not uncommon
to order at the drive thru, then wait 10 minutes for your food,
just to get your order all fucked up. If it wasn't for the almost
pornographic deliciousness of their chicken, I would NEVER eat
there.

6. Subway

Where to begin with fucking Subway? Until recently, their
sandwiches were really just too expensive for what they were.
They've gotten better on that front with the whole "5 dollar foot long"
thing (and the intensely annoying marketing campaign that came
along with it. That damn jingle gave me PTSD). But let's face it: they
are still just FUCKING SANDWICHES, often made by clumsy
teenagers and recently released ex-convicts. And I don't care what
'Jared' says, Subway subs are NOT health food.If you really want
a sandwich that bad, do this: get off your ass, walk to the kitchen
and make one. Takes 5 minutes, if that.And if you want to lose
weight, I can think of at least a couple dozen ways off the top
of my head that are cheaper and easier.

7. KFC

I just don't like their side dishes. And it seems that whenever I
go, there's no chicken ready. So fuck 'em.

Four of the Worst Wars of the 20th Century

2009-09-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

What's the least funny thing in the world (besides Dane
Cook)? War, of course. And what would be one of the
least appropiate topics for a list on a humor blog? Well...
okay, here it is:

World War II

1939-1945
USA/UK/China/USSR/Others vs Germany/Italy/Japan

You may have possibly heard of this one. There was this guy
named Hitler and he...well, I'm sure you're familiar with the
background. World War II was the largest, most destructive
war in human history. It killed about 60 million people total,
20 million of which were soldiers. Many of the 40 million
civillians that died succumbed to diseases, malnutrition,
bombings, and some thing called "The Holocaust" (anyone?).

World War II saw combat all over Europe, Central Asia, the
Middle East, Africa, the Pacific and Asia. This is a war that
saw extensive use of air power both for military purposes and
to terrorize civilians (on both sides) and the first (and so far, last)
use of nuclear weapons. It also saw many innovations in the
fields of genocide, slave labor, population control (you know,
concentration camps) and just plain nauseating, horrifying,
cruel inhumanity in general. The USSR took the brunt of the
casualties, losing about 27 million people. So I guess if there's
one silver lining here is that the commies got fucked in the ass.

Ha ha, just kidding.

World War I

1914-1918
France/UK/Russia/USA vs
Germany/Ottoman Empire/Austro-Hungarian Empire

Before its sequel (see above), this war was known as The
Great War. Not because it was awesome, but because it was
the largest, most destructive war anyone had ever seen at
that point. While no one then or now is really sure why exactly
the war broke out or what it was being fought over, it did make
a permanent impact on the world, specifically on Europe, where
the map was drastically changed after the war's end. New nations
formed after the war, such as Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia
(neither one exists any more, but they had a good run).

WWI and its aftermath saw events like the Russian Revolution,
the breakup of the Austro-Hungarian and Ottoman Empires, the
Armenian Genocide and the deadly Spanish Flu outbreak, which
killed millions seemingly as soon as the war ended (it is rumored
that the flu spread through paella). Eight million soldiers died
during World War I, and Germany lost a whopping 15% of its
able male population. So, yeah, the war wasn't all that Great.

Second Congo War
1998-2003
Dem. Rep. Congo/Zimbabwe/Angola/Namibia
vs Uganda/Rwanda/Burundi

I know what you're saying: "The Second What What??"

Since this war happened in Central Africa, the coverage it
received while it was going on wasn't proportionate to its
nauseating brutality and chilling death toll. The First Congo
War brought Laurent Kabila to power in the Democratic
Republic of Congo, with the aid of Rwanda, Uganda and
Angola. However, once Kabila was in power, he turned on
his allies, who in turn aided rebels in the east of the country.
With Kabila's regime in peril, Zimbabwe and a few other
nations came to his aid. Seven African nations ended up
being involved in the war, which lasted 5 years and directly
and indirectly killed around 4 million people. So far, it is the
deadliest war since World War II and the worst war Africa
has ever seen. The Second Congo War also saw scores of
horrifying atrocities, including the widespread use of rape
as a weapon,as well as massacres of pygmies (in what
could be called a "little holocaust"). If nothing else, this
war showed that while Africa may not always have money
for food or medicine, they always seem to have money for
guns and tanks.

Vietnam War

1959-1975
USA & Allies vs North Vietnam/VietCong

The French were fighting pro-independence rebels and
communists in their colony of Indochina, which included
Vietnam, since the late 1940's. In the 50's, the United States
became involved by sending aid to the French. Even after
the French were beaten and left (imagine that), the Americans
stuck around so they could prop up the newly formed anti-
communist state of South Vietnam and fight theNorth
Vietnam-based Vietcong. US involvement steadily grew,
until by the late 1960's the US had many tens of thousands
of troops in Indochina.

It's often said that since the US couldn't keep Vietnam from
being taken over by the communists, that America"lost"
the war. Around 3 million Vietnamese died (from both sides),
the country's infrastructure was destroyed, chemicals and
land mines were left all over the country and Vietnam remained
an isolated, impoverished state for decades. But somehow WE
"lost". The Vietnam War's atrocities and inhumanity, from
both sides, are so well known that they're hardly worth going
into here.

...

Man, writing this list was a bad idea :( Now I'm all bummed out.

The Worst Bank In The World

2009-08-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

JP Morgan Chase.

This bank is a piece of shit. If you've ever banked with them,
there's a very good chance you share this sentiment. I used to
bank with these animals back when I lived in New York years ago.
When I moved out, I took that as an opportunity to close my
checking account with them, as all I got from them was crappy
service. I made the mistake, however, of keeping a couple of
credit cards with them.

They jacked up my interest rate a couple times despite always
paying on time and having great credit. The last straw was
when I made an online check payment one time and put in my
account number and it was incorrect by one digit. Immediately
they jacked up my interest rate to the default rate (close to
30%) and charged me an NSF fee, which they would not remove
even though it was obviosuly because of a clerical error on
my part. So I said fuck 'em, I closed my accounts with them.
I was happy to be away from these greedy pieces of shit.

I was banking with Washington Mutual for years, and was
very happy with them. But they went bankrupt several months
ago and were bought out. By Chase. So Chase is my bank, again
(through no fault of my own). And again they piss me off
constantly with their slowness, greed and incompetence. I'll
be changing banks soon (a hassle I don't need right now).
Hopefully my next bank won't go under as well and get
bought out by these nazis.

On that note, check out the excellent blog Chase Sucks, at
http://www.chase-sucks.com/ It does a great job of
shitting on this awful bank.

The Worst Cable Company In The World

2009-08-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

Do you enjoy being forced by your apartment complex to use
a crappy cable company, or having said company be the
exclusive internet provider for your apartment complex
or gated community? Do you enjoy overpriced yet extremely
shitty service? Then you're going to love the piece of
dog excrement known as Ygnition! Networks. Go to Ygnition
Sucks! to read more about the worst cable company on Earth.

http://ygnitionsucks.blogspot.com/

UPDATE: Blog is offline as of September 2010.

Cleveland Sucks

2009-08-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Cleveland is a city that I should have included in
my Worst Cities in America list. You may better
understand why that is after you see these
hilarious YouTube videos my friend Tom brought
to my attention:

Tom also adds this tidbit about the Cleveland area:

I drove through Cleveland once...I kid you not, but as soon as
we got off the highway to take a pit stop, the first thing we saw
were at least a half dozen naked children playing in the street
with no adult supervision anywhere in sight. Some of these kids
were riding bikes naked and no one walking down the street
seeing this seemed to think it was out of the ordinary.
Cleveland is much like I'd imagine Baghdad or any other
third world place is like.

The 9 Worst Cheap American Beers and Malt Liquors

2009-07-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

As a dedicated middle class drunk, I have had ample
opportunity to become aqcuainted with many less-
than-expensive malted alcoholic beverages. In other
words, I've gotten fucked up on a lot of cheap beer
and malt liquor. Sometimes I still do from time to
time, although these days I can afford decent booze
and don't need to slum too much. I still know what
I know, though, so I thought I'd share my opinion
on 9 nauseating beverages which you may or may not
be familiar with.

1. Natural Light

It wouldn't make any sense to start this list with
anything BUT Natural Light, the most high-profile
and most widely available of the cheap-ass beers
in the U.S. "Natty Light" is made by mega-corporation
Anheuser-Busch, providing us with yet another
example of the evils of corporate capitalism. Natty
Light's alcohol level is actually a bit below
the average of most mass-market pale lager beers
(the average is 5%; Natural Light is 4.4%). And yet,
this swill can pack a punch, especially if you haven't
developed a taste (or tolerance) for it. It can be
surprisingly smooth and it has only 95 calories per
serving, which is pretty decent. But it's still cheaply
brewed crap, so if you have more than 3 or 4 of these,
prepare for nasty headaches the next day. I used to
drink this fairly regularly in my poorer days, then
stopped for a while. The other day I bought a 12-pack
for old time's sake. After 2 cans, I felt like taking a
4-hour nap. At 32, I'm already too old to drink this
shit. If you're college-age, though, you probably
live on this garbage. Okay, if you're college age and
so poor you eat out of dumpsters. Visit them at
http://www.naturallight.com.

2. Red Dog

Ugh. Jesus.

Red Dog is made by Plank Road Brewery (which is really
Miller, but they would rather not associate their main
brand with this liquid feces). It is around 5% alcohol,
and it is bitter and somewhat harsh. In my experience, the
hangovers from it are actually not all that bad. That's
probably because I never managed to drink more than one
or two. I'm not entirely sure that's it NOT made from
dog piss. No, that would be an improvement. If you have
to drink this, make sure it's very cold.

3. St. Ides

This is the first malt liquor on our list. And with good
reason, as it boasts 8% alcohol. I first became acquainted
with St. Ides about 10 years ago when I was living in New
York City. I was passing a convenience store on my way
home from work late one night and saw a poster advertising
a 40oz bottle of this shit for 99 cents. So I figured,
why not? Why not indeed. It tasted like someone dropped
a shot glass of beer into a bucket filled with kerosene.
I was so fucked up when I was done I passed out. The next
day, I woke up thinking that maybe I had leukemia or Lou
Gherig's Disease or something. I was achy, irritable
and dehydrated. That's all you need to know about St.
Ides. Also, Ice Cube used to endorse it.

4. Pearl Light

Pearl Light is unique among the beers on this list in
that I could not get drunk on it. I bought a 12-pack
of this stuff years ago and halfway through drinking
it, I realized, much to my horror, that I didn't even
have a buzz. Pearl Light used to be brewed by Pabst,
but is now contracted out to Miller. Not much else
I can say about this "beer". Apparently, it has a long
history here in Texas. Visit them at
http://www.pearlbeer.com.

5. Steel Reserve High Gravity

I drank Steel Reserve only once, I believe. A lot of
people drank it once. I remember drinking a couple
of 16 ounce cans of this stuff a while back, and
felt dizzy and weird almost immediately. Usually
a beer buzz is pleasurable, but sometimes it's
uncomfortable and strange. And it's not just me.
A former co-worker, who is about 6 feet tall and
weighed close to 300 lbs, told me he once downed
a can of Steel Reserve while sitting, then stood
up and the room started spinning around. And he was
the kind of guy who had a good tolerance for
alcohol, too. It still ambushed him and kicked
his goddamn ass. Steel Reserve is labeled as 8%
alcohol (in most states) and is made by...wait for it!
...Miller. This is their third entry on this list.
Sadly, it won't be their last.

6. Milwaukee's Best Light

Milwaukee's...Best?? BEST?!? I would really hate to
have to sample Milwaukee's worst. I would get a couple
of 32oz cans at the store for a dollar each a few
years ago. I was obviously going through hard times
if I was drinking this sewage. It is thin, watery
and very carbonated. If you're a high schooler or
broke-ass college student, this beer probably seems
like a pretty good deal. And I suppose it is a good
deal for what it is. Which is trash. To its credit,
after downing 64 ounces of this at a time, I didn't
feel like I was going to die. I just felt like I'd
wasted my time. Oh, and by the way, know who makes
this? FUCKING MILLER.

7. Bud Ice

Made by Anheuser-Busch. 5.5% alcohol. Comes in a
40oz bottle. Tastes like anti-freeze. Bad hangovers.
Avoid.

8. Olde English

Ahh, Olde English. Just about everyone I know seems
to have a story about Olde English, usually
involving vandalism, fistfights, the police, sexual
assault and/or vomiting. I haven't had this swill
in years, and God willing, I will never again drink
it. "Regular" Olde English is about 6% alcohol,
although other varieties of it go as high as 8%. Out
of all the malt liquors out there, this one seems
to be the one that most white people will drink, if
they drink any malt liquor at all. I'm not sure why
that is. My memory of drinking it is that it started
out smooth, then tasted a bit harsher and then...
well, I can't remember. Oh, and guess who makes it?
It starts with an M and ends in an R, and rhymes
with "killer".

9. Busch

As the name suggests, this is brewed by the mother
fuckers at Anheuser-Busch. Think Budweiser is boring
and tasteless? Try this shit. It'll make drinking Bud
Light feel like an orgy of flavor is going on in your
mouth. While it's certainly cheap, it's not the kind of
beer that will give you a decent buzz, even after 3
or 4 of them. The taste is not any worse than say,
Natural Light, but if you're going to be cheap anyway,
just buy fucking Natural Light. Actually, if Natty
Light is a 19-year old frat boy, Busch could very
well be its balding, beer-bellied 47-year old dad.
Same genetics, just slower and lamer.

The 7 Worst Comic Book Super Heroes

2009-07-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

Since comic book super heroes emerged in the 1930s, hundreds
of them have been created. Many of them, however, haven't
been worth the cheap paper they've been printed on. Crappy
powers, bad characterization, stupid costumes: these and other
things have made certain heroes laughingstocks rather than
objects of inspiration. Here's seven of the heroes I've found to
be the worst, in no particular order.

Aquaman
1st Appearance: More Fun Comics #73 (1941)

Of course the first entry on this list is fucking Aquaman, a
superhero so full of suckness that it's hard to find
someone who won't make fun of him. While Aquaman wasn't
the first water-borne hero (that "honor" goes to Namor
The Submariner), he is by far the best-known one. His
longevity and name recognition have long baffled me, as his
shittiness is so apparent. Everything about him sucks:
his crappy powers (such as talking to fish, generic
super strength...and uh...well...umm...), his shitty
orange shirt, his cardboard-box personality and his
uninspiring, nobody villains. Of all the superheroes that
have faded into obscurity since 1941, could Aquaman
seriously not have been one of them? WHY???

Doctor Druid
1st Appearance: Amazing Adventures #1 (1961)

Doctor Druid was first known as Doctor Droom
(I know...Droom? Whatever).He has the disctinction of
being Marvel Comics' first "Silver Age"(meaning,1960s)
super-hero, predating the first appearance of the Fantastic
Four by several months. He also happened to suck major
ass. At first he was a sort of monster hunter, then
disappeared until the mid-70s, which is when he was re-
named. He was then given mystical/mental powers and
was eventually made a member of the Avengers, where he
filled the role of the team's resident old, balding fat-ass.
Despite all his powers, Doctor Druid lacked one major
ability: the power to make comic-book readers give a
shit about him.

Wildcat
1st Appearance: Sensation Comics #1 (1942)

Wildcat is boxer Ted Grant. When his mentor got
killed by some crooks using a poisoned boxing glove, he
decided to wear a cat costume and fight crime. He didn't
have a any powers. But, you know, he was pretty strong.
I mean, Batman didn't have any powers, right? Yep. Strong
guy in a cat suit. Sort of like a male Catwoman. Except
much less interesting. Certainly not as hot.

Jigsaw
1st Appearance: Jigsaw #1 (1966)

I actually used to own a copy of Jigsaw #1, which was published
by Harvey Comics, a company better known for Richie Rich and
Casper. I wish I still had that comic, if only so I could again bask in its
title character's unabashed shittiness. Jigsaw was an astronaut, Gary
Jason, whose ship got all fucked up. Some aliens rescued him and
repaired his badly injured body. Apparently, the alien's idea of
"repair" involved making him look like a human jigsaw puzzle (or
more like a human puddle of vomit). Old Gary could now stretch and
had super-strength. So he was basically a poor man's version of
Plastic-Man. PLASTIC-MAN. Think about that for a bit. Jigsaw's
comic lasted for a whopping two issues. Two issues too long.

Squirrel Girl
1st Appearance: Marvel Super-Heroes Vol. 2, #8 (1992)

As a teenager, I remember reading Squirrel Girl's first appearance,
in which she defeated no other than Doctor Doom, and thinking of
three letters: W, T and F. Squirrel Girl's main power is to talk to
squirrels and get them to do shit (she also has squirrel-like
abilities). Despite her extremely shitty powers, she's defeated not
just the mighty Doom, but also Thanos, Deadpool and The Mandarin.
Maybe this was Marvel Comics' idea of a cute joke or something.
Well, Marvel Comics, may I kindly invite you to suck my dick,
and then go fuck yourselves? Thanks.

NFL Superpro
1st Appearance: NFL Superpro Special Edition #1

Oh, sweet Jesus. Okay, let's see if I can get through this one
without blowing my brains out. NFL Superpro is Phil Grayfield,
a former NFL player who survives some weird accident involving
chemicals (well, it was either that or radiation) and becomes some
sort of super-powered football player. He had his own comic book
series for a few months, but the stories were so horrifically bad
--and the character so poorly conceived-- that it didn't last long.
The writer who came up with this monstrosity ended up admitting
that he only worked on NFL Superpro so that he could get free
NFL game tickets. The whole idea was nothing more than a
marketing ploy for the NFL. Shame on Marvel Comics for sinking
this low. After this, even prostitution seems like an honorable
profession in comparison with such selling out.

Doll Man
1st Apperance: Feature Comics #27 (1939)

Doll Man is a scientist who invents a formula that makes
him tiny, but leaves him with the strength of a full-sized man,
much like The Atom,although Doll Man came first. He also came
first at sucking donkey dick. Let's face it, any hero whose main
power is to be tiny is never going to be taken seriously. At least
The Atom could shrink to sub-atomic size, but Doll Man could only
shrink to the size of an action figure, making him pretty
useless, IMO. Sadly enough, Doll Man was created by the legendary
Will Eisner, making this his shittiest, most embarrassing creation.
Luckily for Eisner, hardly anyone remembers, or gives a shit
about, this tiny failure.

The Worst Neighbohoods In America

2009-07-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

While I had nothing to do with the compilation of this list, it
serves as a good complement to my "Worst Cities" list below.
I had to laugh when I realized the Parramore neighborhood in
Orlando, Florida is on the list (as well it should be). Parramore
was one of the scariest, most depressing pieces of shit I ever
had the misfortune of seeing. There's also a couple of 'hoods in
Dallas, which is the metro area I live in, although I'm luckily
nowhere close to either of the shitholes that made the list.
Also, if I lived in Chicago, I'd really be considering getting the
hell out.

Click below for the list, courtesy of Walletpop.com:

http://www.walletpop.com/insurance/most-dangerous-neighborhoods

The 6 Worst Cities In The United States

2009-07-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

The United States may be the richest country ever (well...
until recently), but it has more than its share of cities that make
you wish you were dead. Here are six of the worst ones, in no
particular order. The criteria for inclusion in the list is bad
economies, crime, traffic, annoying people, crappy schools...
and the whims of the editor. So here we go...

Detroit, MI
Population: 916,952

Of course you knew this list would start with fucking Detroit.
This city used to be THE premier industrial city of the United
States during the first half of the 20th century. These days,
it's more like the crime and general fucked-upness capital
of the nation. The auto industry's deterioration in recent
decades led to stubbornly high unemployment, and with time it
has turned the city's downtown into a semi-ghost town. The
city's last mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick (the "hip-hop" mayor),
went to jail for perjury and misconduct (it's a long story
that has to do with text messages, adultery, a stripper
getting murdered, etc.). A mayoral candidate joked about there
being "no one left to kill" in Detroit. Someday soon, that
may literally be true, as the collapse of the auto industry
is sure to plunge the city into even more intense misery
and desolation.

Prime Detroit real estate.

Camden, NJ
Population: 79,3188

While Camden may have been making some improvements in
recent years, it's still safe to say that the city is a squalid
shithole. Camden used to be an important industrial hub up
until the middle of the 20th century. But as heavy industry
started leaving the city, the city became known less for
making phonographs, airplanes and soup and better known for
being a good place to get raped, shot, robbed, beaten to
death, or a combination of all of the above. The murder rate
is about 5 times the national average (and it used to be worse!).
Not surprisingly, unemployment is high--usually above 10%--
and about a third of the population lives under the poverty line.

East St. Louis, IL
Population: 31,542

Another formerly prosperous city which relied on heavy industry
for its economy, East St. Louis' main industry in modern times
is to serve as a punchline for jokes. Its population has more
than halved since the 1950s, and on most years the city is a
top contender for the title of "America's Most Dangerous City".
Entire blocks full of empty buildings dot East St. Louis. The
city actually looks so much like a post-apocalyptic dystopia,
that back in the late 1970s, it was used to film the movie
Escape from New York. So if you're looking to shoot a film
about a city in the aftermath of a nuclear explosion or a war,
East St. Louis is your town. Also a good place to check out
if you're into high levels of industrial pollution. Or if you
have a thing for despair, desolation and hopelessness.

Well, it doesn't look that bad. I mean, there's no dead
bodies on the street or anything.

Modesto, CA
Population: 210,096

Good lord. Where to begin? Hard hit by the mortgage crisis. Meth
capital of the world. Bad air quality. Rampant crime. Unemployment.
Recently, Forbes Magazine ranked it the worst metro area in the
U.S. with more than 500,000 people. It also has the honor of
almost always being at the top of national auto-theft statistics.
Well, at least it's cheap to live in right? Well, no. It's in
California, so the cost of living is automatically going to be
absurdly high. There's apparently also nothing to do, so it seems
to be a notoriously boring city. Well, except for the crime.
BUT HEY IT'S IN CALIFORNIA RIGHT? California's pretty.

Orlando, FL
Population: 227,907

Orlando doesn't usually make any "Worst Cities" lists (that I'm
aware of), so feel free to disagree with me here. This one is
kind of personal. I lived in Orlando and learned to hate it. And
there was more than enough to hate. For what it is (and it sure as
fuck ain't NYC or San Francisco) the cost of living is high. There
are tourists everywhere, thanks to Disney World and all the other
tacky, annoying, tourist-trap bullshit which covers this town.
There's no real sense of community, as practically everyone who
lives in Orlando is from somewhere else, so the city feels
rootless and transitory. Wages are low and quality jobs are rare.
People drive like maniacs (and these are the residents, not
just the tourists). The schools are beyond awful and crime is
frighteningly high, especially for a city that's supposed to be
a world-class destination.The population is a mixture of criminals,
non-English speaking immigrants, stupid rednecks and ghetto thugs.
So fuck you, Orlando. Just fuck you.

Fuck this place.

Washington, D.C.
Population: 591,833

Our nation's capital is in many ways a total embarassment to the
United States. Among the things that make D.C. a horrible place
to live are out-of-control traffic, a disproportionately high cost
of living, expensive yet crappy housing, an AIDS rate comparable
to any African country and a decades-long crime and poverty problem.
The rich minority live in opulent neighborhoods, while the poor
live in horrifying slums, Third World-style. In recent years, close
to 20% of the population has found itself living under the poverty
line. About a third of children live in poverty. The public schools
are such a mess they probably make the ones in the South Bronx look
okay in comparison. This is also the city that elected crack-smoking
whoremonger Marion Barry mayor. And then elected him to the city
council.

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