Family Guy, the occassional episode of The Simpsons,
the news and a few other odds and ends, I watch almost
no TV anymore. And after you see the shows on this list,
you will better understand why I fell out of love with
television...a looooong time ago. Here are some of the
worst crimes against the human mind (and eyes)in recent
memory. Most, but not all of these shows, started in
the 2000s. But they have all aired at some point
during the last 10 years. I'm sure I've missed dozens,
if not hundreds, of bad shows, but I need to limit my
list to what I've actually had the misfortune to watch.
And whatever my traumatized memory hasn't blocked out:
1. American Idol
I'm aware this is an extremely popular show, which only further
proves my belief that a majority of people are a couple of brain
cells away from not drooling on themselves. This is essentially a
glorified high-school talent show where some of the most
delusional, sad and useless people in America try to become
singing stars by getting judged by a panel of people whose opinion
should matter about as much as a pile of dog shit. American
Idol has accomplished the impressive feat of making the
corporate music industry an even worse and more culturally
offensive black hole than it already was before. I'm impressed.
Also, if the contestants sang more stuff that wasn't R&B or
showtunes, maybe I'd watch. Ha ha, just kidding, I'll never
watch this show again. Unless it's part of some sort of drinking
game or something.
Why can't we steal GOOD ideas from the British?
2. Brothers
Some former NFL player who can't act for shit and couldn't
make me laugh with a tank of nitrous oxide gets his own sitcom,
where he owns or works at some restaurant or bar or some shit.
There's some black guy in a wheelchair. That's all I remember.
Oh, that and not laughing once.
3. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Apparently a cross between 30 Rock and The West Wing. So
basically a serious show about the making a of a comedy show.
Do I have that right? I fell asleep after 5 minutes. This lasted
one season. It should've lasted one minute. Or not at all.
4. I Love New York
This...thing...was a spin-off from the appalling "Flavor of Love",
in which several women compete for the affections of looks-
challenged rapper Flavor Flav. I was going to include that show
on this list too, but I didn't think it fair to include both, and I hated
this one much more. This woman who calls herself "New York"
was a contestant on Flavor of Love, and apparently was considered
enough of a train wreck on her own that she was given her own show.
Makes sense. In this one, a bunch of clueless douchebags try to
"win" New York's affections. Kind of like wanting to win a savage
beating, or a vacation to Somalia. The behavior or both "New York"
and the "contestants" is so retarded, shallow and over-the-top that
I had to watch a couple of episodes just to make sure that this was
all really happening. Unfortunately, it was.
5. The Osbournes
I used to love Ozzy Osbourne. Still do, actually. But my opinion
of The Prince of Darkness decreased pretty dramatically
once I saw a few episodes of this baffling "reality" show. Some
things about this family I already knew: Ozzy is a drug-addled
mess who can barely take care of himself (if at all), Sharon runs
everything and his kids are douchebags. Got it. Once I got all
that out of the way, well...it was just depressing. Did Ozzy
really need the money that bad? Was he starving?? I'm thinking
his wife put him up to this.
6. America's Got Talent
It seems that America doesn't have that much talent after all. This
is yet another talent-show-type abomination, except in this one,
people perform things like dancing, magic tricks, impersonations...
basically whatever random shit. Most of the folks who came on this
show have some weird talent that caused someone, at some point,
to tell them: "Hey, it's really cool how you can juggle four flaming
footballs while wearing condoms on your fingers! You should be on
TV!". And finally, there was a show they could go on and show the
world their "talents". A horrible, horrible show.
7. Stacked
Pamela Anderson is a directionless woman with giant tits
who takes a job at a bookstore. Hilarity ensued. Or it was
supposed to. I guess. The show only lasted one season,
proving that guys won't watch a sitcom just because Pam
and her balloon-sized gazongas are on it. There's porno
for that stuff.
8. Are You Hot?
Imbeciles paraded in front of a panel of other imbeciles,
so that they could be judged solely on their looks and
told whether they are 'Hot' or 'Not'. I'm pretty
sure you'll understand why I find this idea repulsive. The
most clueless and empty-headed people on Earth parade
themselves, like cattle (in swimsuits), in front of smarmy,
sarcastic retards and an equally idiotic audience. This
idea actually started as a website (which the TV people may
or may not have used with permission). Thanks a lot,
Internet. I still love you, though. You're not television,
at least.
I will always love you.
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