As an American man in my late 30s, fast food is, unfortunately,
an important part of my diet, although that's something I'm working
on changing. Due to this, I have over the years become tragically
familiar with a wide variety of outlets serving quick, greasy,
potentially lethal stomach-trash. Here's my least favorite ones,
in no particular order.
1. McDonald's
What pisses me off the most about McDonald's is that whenever
I'm in a part of town where there is NOWHERE else to eat, there
is always a goddamn McDonald's (or a Jack In the Box, if you live
in North Texas). So when I eat there, it's always out of sheer
necessity. Their food is incredibly bland, even for fast food. I
admit the fries are great, but virtually everything else looks
and tastes like cardboard, or like those plastic toy foodstuffs
you used to play with as a kid. On top of this, their restaurants
almost always seem to have this penetrating stench of old, overused
cooking oil, which permeates the food itself...as well as the take-
out bag, napkins and anything else that spent more than two minu-
tes inside a McDonald's.
2. Taco Bell
"Nacho cheese" so bright and unnatural-looking that it could've
come out of a nuclear reactor core. So-called beef that has the
consistency of Alpo. Refried beans that look like something that
came out of a cholera patient's ass. That, friends, is a brief yet
chillingly accurate description of some of Taco Bell's ingredients.
Do I even need to go into the feces festival that you'll suddenly
experience at 3AM after dinner at The Bell? To add insult to injury,
they now serve some atrocities that are humorously referred to as
"breakfast". No. Just no.
3. White Castle
Before I get lynched by a mob of enraged stoners (I know, tough
to imagine), let me say White Castle is absurdly overrated for what
it is. Okay, they make little square, soggy burgers full of disgusting
onions. THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT GOOD. I'm actually not sure if
they even make anything else. Not that it matters, as a White Castle
restaurants are few and far between, which is probably a good thing.
Unless you just did about 15 bong hits and don't feel like going to
Jack In The Box.
4. Popeye's
I'll admit, I LOVE Popeye's fried chicken. Yes, it is dangerously
greasy, and really the kind of thing I only have 2 or 3 times a
year. Which is a good thing (mostly for my heart) because
Popeye's hires some of the stupidest people on Earth, EVEN
BY FAST FOOD INDUSTRY STANDARDS. Seriously...I've
eaten at Popeye's in a few different cities and states, and the
common thread that runs through all of them is the appalling
slowness and imbecility of the employees. It is not uncommon
to order at the drive thru, then wait 10 minutes for your food,
just to get your order all f***ed up. If it wasn't for the almost
pornographic deliciousness of their chicken, I would NEVER
eat there.
5. Subway
Where to begin with Subway? Until recently, their sandwiches were
really just too expensive for what they were. They've gotten better
on that front with the whole "5 dollar foot long" thing (and the
intensely annoying marketing campaign that came along with it.
That damn jingle gave me PTSD). But let's face it: they are still
just SANDWICHES, often made by clumsy teenagers and recently
released ex-convicts. And I don't care what 'Jared' says, Subway subs
are NOT health food. If you really want a sandwich that bad, do this:
get off your ass, walk to the kitchen and make one. Takes five
minutes,if that. And if you want to lose weight, I can think of at
least a couple of dozen ways off the top of my head that are cheaper
and easier.
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